The Gospel According to St. Dan

With the DaVinci Code (by Dan Brown), people think that can now revise Biblical knowledge willy-nilly. Hell, some people are now buying into the concept that Jesus was some kind of pervert who gave birth to a bunch of kids who founded a dynasty in France. That had magical powers. I am not making this us – someone else did, like a right-wing 1950’s French fringe politician.
Since we have now revised what happened after the crucifixition, I figure that we can now discover what really happened at the birth of Christ. Some of the details are hazy, but I think this is a pretty close approximation.

The Gospel According to St. Dan
Twas the night before Christmas…Er. Joseph and Mary Christ were two homeless teenagers who lived around the Bethleham community. They were destitute – the selfish Roman citizens would not feed them because they were greedy selfish mean spirited rich people. And, Mary was nine months pregnant – because abortion was not legal in the days of Caesar Augustus. Being homeless, no Inn in Bethleham would take them in. However, Joseph and Mary liked paying their taxes, because they wanted to render unto Caeser what belonged to Caeser, which is a 90% marginal tax rate.Since Mary needed to give birth, they had a place where they could lie down. Especially since it was late December, when snow was falling on the ground. Like it did everywhere in the days before Global Warming. They found a spot in a manger, who would have been slaughtered by the selfish landowner who ate meat. Had he been a responsible vegan, they would have had more space to give birth.
So Mary gave birth. And she had a son. Who was the father? It probably wasn’t Joseph. Nor was it an “immaculate conception.” Instead, Mary was a sex worker and it was probably some client of hers. She decided to name him Jesus.
Three concerned male oppressors decided to visit the baby Jesus. They brought stuff like myrnth and Frankenstein. And they saw what horrible condition he was in.
Then, on the roof , they heard nine feet. And thru the chimney of the manger, came a jolly, grossly obese, senior man in a red suit.
“Hohoho!” He proclaimed. “Stop proclaiming my wife’s profession” declared Joseph Christ. “Who are you?”
“I am Santa Clause, but you can call me Santa. I’m not human, but an elf, and live at the north pole.”
Entering the manger were a white blob and a reindeer. “Here are my two sidekicks, Frosty the Snowman and Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer!”
He looked at the so-called wisemen and saw they were giving Jesus a dreidle. “What makes you think he will like that?”
“Because he’s Jewish” they answered back.
“Well, that’s a pretty boring toy. Here, try a fire engine” he said, handing it to Joseph. “Unfortunately, I cannot give him an Xbox3, because it hasn’t even been invented yet! But, all this materialism will have him forget his key values. Which is wealth redistribution, environmental awareness, total pacifism, and especially, sexual freedom!”
Frosty the Snowman said something, and left. And Santa told the baby Jesus:”Now, remember the sacred feminine. And you will need to lead a revolution amongst the Jews. You will be king of the Jews. You will need to lead a change in the Jewish religion, so that all Jews will stop persecuting the Palestinians, and turn over Israel to them, as it is totally their homeland, and not yours. And if you have to wander the earth, so be it!”
And he said a “hohoho” and got out of the chimney, and said “Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good night.”
Well, Jesus became King of the Jews, but his followers decided to suppress all sexual intercourse and instead lead crusades against innocent peoples. And they suppressed writings like this one

There, that gospel is done. Hope you enjoy what has been “rediscovered!”