Friday, October 14, 2005

Now about James Bond

There is a new James Bond - Daniel Craig. And he is a blond Bond (as the media loves to say). "The Look" does set the tone, so hopefully, he will die his hair black for all his roles. Having a "blond Bond" kinda ruins the whole James Bond thing - as James Bond is no airhead.

James Bond is a very old character, at least as our society goes. Let me put it to you this way. John Kennedy liked the James Bond series - and I think he died shortly after the first movie. I said "James Bond series." You see, James Bond was the character of a set of books, the first of which was published in 1946.

So James Bond is almost 60 years old. Actually, he would be at least 90 years old, given his character is no younger than 30. So, how does he keep so young? What explains this series. I will tell you, in my idea for a movie. It is called:

The Adventures of Roger Bond
and his son James

THE BACKGROUND

Roger Bond is a member of the Malborough clan. You know, the one who produced Mr. Churchill, the one who lives in Blenheim. In fact, he is an unknown cousin of Mr. Churchill. Here is why.

He was working for Mr. Churchill in 1915. When Winston decided to do that Gallopi scheme. So he turned the plan over to his cousin Roger.

Roger, like Winston, has a weakness. For booze. And women too, except he likes his booze so much, he looks really stupid and turns off the ladies. He always carries a flask, or seven, around.

You know how the Bond movies often have some kind of historical scene? Well this one does, too. Except the movie would be filmed in the technology appropriate for the period. While this movie is filmed using 1931 movie technology, this act is filmed using 1915 movie technology. Without sound. Really bad film. And with scene interrupted for the sayings. It has that goofy music of the period, too.

While in Turkey, Winston has a plan that is foolproof. He tells Roger to give his plan to "General Burke." Roger, who is incredibly stupified, thinks he is to give the plans to "General Turk." While stumbling around, he thinks this (all this is in the words between the scenes). So he gives them to Mustafa Kemal. Winston sees this happening, picks up his revolver, and aims for Mr. Kemal's heart - which has a steel-covered Quran over it. It richochets, and they both flee. The Turks win the battle. The Sultan goes over to Mustafa, pats him on the shoulders, and says "Atta-Turk." Of course this is not how Gallipoli happened, but almost no one knows the real details, and makes for a great story.

Then comes that scene where James normally shoots someone, blood spurts, etc. Except this is done using - 1931 technology. And because Roger is so drunk, he cannot aim straight. Instead, he hits glass and stuff. And he has to run away from men using Tommy guns. He shoots, but cannot hit them (they cannot hit him, for whatever reason), and he also makes such bad shots that things fall out of the air - like ducks and stuff (making that quack-quack noise). This ruckus happens during the opening credits. Except he is called "002"

We get to 1931. Because of his disastrous accomplishments at Gallipoli (like Russia not getting supplies, Germany lasting three more years, the collapse of the French, British, German economies due to the cost of the war, the Russian Revolution) he has tucked very, very deeply into some obscure desk job. He was not executed, or court-martialled, well, because he is of that family. And here is where we leave off before I go into more of the story.