What is wrong with our marriage customs
I will tell a story about my family.
My paternal grandmother married my paternal grandfather, I think, in 1938. However, he died in 1946 due to brain injuries. He was a high school football star - the quarterback - in the late 1920's, when helmets were not that good. He was so good that he was drafted by Wazzu to play for them - right after they played in the Rose Bowl - they lost, have not won it since, and given that it was the year when the Depression started screwing everything up, they need to win another Rose Bowl (which hopefully will be the National Championship) before America gets truly straightened up again. But I digress. With a brain injury, he certainly was on par intellectually with any Wazzu student. But he couldn't go. That is because this above-mentioned Depression came into play, and he had to work to support the family. Sometime between marriage and death, my dad was born, and eventually I came into play. But that was far into the future.
Thus, I never met my natural grandfather. And my dad barely knew him. And my grandmother barely speaks of him. I think I inherited his looks, his strength, but unfortunately, not his athletic ability. Fortunately, however, I did not inherit his low intelligence, either, as evidenced by his choice of college.
However, I do remember the person who my grandmother remarried in 1947 - the person I did call grandpa. And I remember him, a bit. All I pretty much remember is that he was a quiet person, but that is probably because he was old. He was a recovered drunkard, so he probably was a more gregarious person earlier in life, as all drunkards are (and amazingly, unlike most recovering drunkards, he could drink socially - my grandmother did have an ability to make sure it didn't get out of hand). He didn't go to college, and didn't even graduate from high school. Which means he was at least the intellectual equilivent of my grandmother's first husband, who was supposed to go to Wazzu. Should he had graduated, he would have done so in 1921, for which society changed a lot in those nine years (those high school graduates had jobs and fun, while those who graduated in 1930 couldn't find any jobs and had to go to boring communist marches).
My maternal grandmother did not graduate from high school, either. So he was also at least intellectually equal to my paternal natural grandfather, who was supposed to go to Wazzu. But both grandfathers, whom I knew, did have some things in common. For one, they both voted Democrat (although my paternal grandfather may have become a Reagan Democrat). Both were high school dropouts, as noted above (but for someone becoming an adult in the 1920's, it was not something that a stigma was attached to). Both were truck drivers. And both were Teamsters. And, the Teamsters played inportant roles in the life of each. My maternal grandfather became a business agent for them. My paternal grandfather left Seattle for eight years to get away from Dave Beck, the head of the Seattle Teamsters. Indeed, they may have met each other at union meetings in the 1930's or 1940's, not knowing they would someday have something in common - mainly, me.
Well, enough of that. My paternal grandfather died in 1979, and my maternal grandfather died in 1991. My maternal grandmother died in 2002. My maternal grandmother is still living.
Now, something about ages. My paternal grandfather was born in 1903. My paternal grandmother was born in 1913. My maternal grandfather was born in 1912. My maternal grandmother was born at the very end of 1919.
Both grandfathers married younger women. One by seven years, one by ten years. My maternal grandfather and my maternal grandmother died at relatively close ages - 79 years and 82 years, respectively. My paternal grandfather and paternal grandmother will have very different death dates - 76, and, well, my maternal grandmother is 93.
Now, lets put some things into perspective. When my paternal grandfather died in June 1979, here is what the world looked like. The Soviet Union was on the aggression; it looked like they were in their glory years (they weren't, but we need to put things into the perspective of the time). There had been a revolution in Iran, but not being a major country, it really did not have any significance. When people needed to write a letter, they used paper - and a stamp. But it was much cheaper to do this than make a long-distance call. And speaking of phone calls, if a person was not at home, any you needed to reach them right away, you could not do so. Indeed, if you were not home, you would have to find a public phone, have their number, and make a call. You also had to do all your shopping by going to the stores. Getting information, you had to either go to a library, or wait for the newspaper to arrive - for which the news would be old. To watch a movie, you had to either go to a theater, or you had to wait for one of the three major networks to have a "world premier" - which would be edited out. And most homes had only one color tv set - they were still quite expensive. Music only came on vinyl, which melted and scratched. And you had to go to a store to buy it. Yes, there was a cultural revolution within the previous 13 years, but if you were born in 1903, the only people it touched were the wierdos. If you wanted to publish something, your only chance was to hope a newspaper editor published your "letter to the editor." Anything you wrote down was usually by hand, in a book - no one had access to your private thoughts. Yes, it was the size of a blackberry, but it wasn't exactly wired. If you needed to do a report at work, if you had a white collar job, your letter had better be accurate the first time - as it needed to be redone if horrid (by your secretary), or have ugly blotches of white-out on it. And forget about mass-production of material at home. If you got home late for dinner, of if you were single - you ate it cold. Indeed, the amount of home appliances was much less, and life was not so easy.
On the plus side, most people had electric can openers, which few people have today (instead, we use manual can openers).
And, I haven't even mentioned all those cultural changes.
And there are much, much more different. As you can see, there has been a tremendous change in our lifestyles over the past 30 years. The Soviet Union is gone, the international threat started in Iran. We have computers, word processing, cell phones, internet, email, blogs, cable tv, mp3's, cd's, ipods, laptops, more labor saving kitchen devices (microwaves, quisinarts, roaster ovens, rice steamers, George Foreman grilles, and whatever other newfangled devices you find today at BedBath&Beyond). The VCR did get cheap enough for everyone to buy - but it is now obsolete. The cultural revolution of the 1960's has come to nearly everyone. As a result of all this, lifestyles today are very different than those of 30 years ago. Indeed, the lifestyles of today are more different from me and an adult who lived in 1979 than an adult who lived in 1979 and an adult who lived in 1925 (the only significant difference being television).
Indeed, even those who chose to ignore all those technological changes (and denounce the cultural changes) are still affected by them. Like my grandmother. Not only has she been widowed for almost 30 years, she has entered a whole new era without a spouse.
Indeed, the last time the big changes happened was between my grandfather's birth and her birth. And those may have been significant enough changes to affect longevitity for those who live longer. What do I mean? Well, there were significant changes in health standards during the early decades of the 20th century where people became more healthy the later they were born. For one thing, people had a better understanding of nutrition. For another thing, people got some more innoculations. Those incremental differences may have strengthened certain parts of the body, making them, essentially, last longer. Thus, people last longer. And this is even if a person does not seek medical attention until age 70. Indeed, an average person born in 1913 might not have any need to see a doctor until age 70, while an average person born in 1903 may have significant health problems by age 70, and they might have a better chance of death even with every single medical option available to them.
And I forgot to mention, that, my grandmother was a nurse. And a health nut (what would have constituted one for her time, in any case). So she knew what to do to make herself healthy.
So lets do some math. American custom permits a man to marry a woman ten years his junior (but not vise-versa). So she has ten years automatically to live without him. And then there is life expectancy. Women outlive men by ten years. So that is another ten years.
Then, there are the medical advances. First, those medical/health advances that not only prolong life, but may make a person who is widowed 20 years less susceptible to life-threatening illnesses. And 20 years is a long time. That allows for lots of medical advances to be made. So they get an even longer lease on life.
Thus, there is nothing unusual when a woman outlives her spouse by a quarter century. And much of her life is spent without him. Which is tragic, given that we are supposed to spend most of our post-wedding life with our spouses. Even more tragic when she has to adapt to all those changes without him. So life becomes harder for her in this manner.
Instead, hubby gets stuck in a graveyard for a long time without wifey. And my grandmother got a plot between both her husbands! Think about that - they have to spend three decades putting up with one another. They probably are really pissed at her by now. Indeed, my dim-witted first grandfather, the one who was supposed to go to Wazzu, has spent almost as long in death with my grandmother's second husband as he spent living (27 years vs 33 years, respectively).
Now, there is a differences in marriage ages, partly due to the fact that women mature at earlier ages than men. Which may explain their longer life spans (they are less likely to do stupid, unhealthy things at 21 than their male peers). But clearly, society needs to change the custom that it is acceptible for older men to marry much younger women. It not only leaves for long widowhoods, it also may cost society more financially.
Now, I kinda do wish that my paternal grandfather did live somewhat longer - like five years, when I would have been old enough to do "manly" stuff with him. After all, we both are NRA members - my dad was never 0ne - which explains very different reasons why we joined. He joined because he like to hunt dangerous furry mammals, when the need arose (this was before the threat of gun control). I joined because I want to make sure I have the right to hunt not-so-hairy dangerous mammals, known as tyrannical government officials, should the need arise. But I disgress, yet again. Indeed, I still have his favorite chair, and choose to get it reupholstered after my cats destroyed it, because, well, it's his. But that is outside the thread of this post, and shall be noted at a later time.
My paternal grandmother married my paternal grandfather, I think, in 1938. However, he died in 1946 due to brain injuries. He was a high school football star - the quarterback - in the late 1920's, when helmets were not that good. He was so good that he was drafted by Wazzu to play for them - right after they played in the Rose Bowl - they lost, have not won it since, and given that it was the year when the Depression started screwing everything up, they need to win another Rose Bowl (which hopefully will be the National Championship) before America gets truly straightened up again. But I digress. With a brain injury, he certainly was on par intellectually with any Wazzu student. But he couldn't go. That is because this above-mentioned Depression came into play, and he had to work to support the family. Sometime between marriage and death, my dad was born, and eventually I came into play. But that was far into the future.
Thus, I never met my natural grandfather. And my dad barely knew him. And my grandmother barely speaks of him. I think I inherited his looks, his strength, but unfortunately, not his athletic ability. Fortunately, however, I did not inherit his low intelligence, either, as evidenced by his choice of college.
However, I do remember the person who my grandmother remarried in 1947 - the person I did call grandpa. And I remember him, a bit. All I pretty much remember is that he was a quiet person, but that is probably because he was old. He was a recovered drunkard, so he probably was a more gregarious person earlier in life, as all drunkards are (and amazingly, unlike most recovering drunkards, he could drink socially - my grandmother did have an ability to make sure it didn't get out of hand). He didn't go to college, and didn't even graduate from high school. Which means he was at least the intellectual equilivent of my grandmother's first husband, who was supposed to go to Wazzu. Should he had graduated, he would have done so in 1921, for which society changed a lot in those nine years (those high school graduates had jobs and fun, while those who graduated in 1930 couldn't find any jobs and had to go to boring communist marches).
My maternal grandmother did not graduate from high school, either. So he was also at least intellectually equal to my paternal natural grandfather, who was supposed to go to Wazzu. But both grandfathers, whom I knew, did have some things in common. For one, they both voted Democrat (although my paternal grandfather may have become a Reagan Democrat). Both were high school dropouts, as noted above (but for someone becoming an adult in the 1920's, it was not something that a stigma was attached to). Both were truck drivers. And both were Teamsters. And, the Teamsters played inportant roles in the life of each. My maternal grandfather became a business agent for them. My paternal grandfather left Seattle for eight years to get away from Dave Beck, the head of the Seattle Teamsters. Indeed, they may have met each other at union meetings in the 1930's or 1940's, not knowing they would someday have something in common - mainly, me.
Well, enough of that. My paternal grandfather died in 1979, and my maternal grandfather died in 1991. My maternal grandmother died in 2002. My maternal grandmother is still living.
Now, something about ages. My paternal grandfather was born in 1903. My paternal grandmother was born in 1913. My maternal grandfather was born in 1912. My maternal grandmother was born at the very end of 1919.
Both grandfathers married younger women. One by seven years, one by ten years. My maternal grandfather and my maternal grandmother died at relatively close ages - 79 years and 82 years, respectively. My paternal grandfather and paternal grandmother will have very different death dates - 76, and, well, my maternal grandmother is 93.
Now, lets put some things into perspective. When my paternal grandfather died in June 1979, here is what the world looked like. The Soviet Union was on the aggression; it looked like they were in their glory years (they weren't, but we need to put things into the perspective of the time). There had been a revolution in Iran, but not being a major country, it really did not have any significance. When people needed to write a letter, they used paper - and a stamp. But it was much cheaper to do this than make a long-distance call. And speaking of phone calls, if a person was not at home, any you needed to reach them right away, you could not do so. Indeed, if you were not home, you would have to find a public phone, have their number, and make a call. You also had to do all your shopping by going to the stores. Getting information, you had to either go to a library, or wait for the newspaper to arrive - for which the news would be old. To watch a movie, you had to either go to a theater, or you had to wait for one of the three major networks to have a "world premier" - which would be edited out. And most homes had only one color tv set - they were still quite expensive. Music only came on vinyl, which melted and scratched. And you had to go to a store to buy it. Yes, there was a cultural revolution within the previous 13 years, but if you were born in 1903, the only people it touched were the wierdos. If you wanted to publish something, your only chance was to hope a newspaper editor published your "letter to the editor." Anything you wrote down was usually by hand, in a book - no one had access to your private thoughts. Yes, it was the size of a blackberry, but it wasn't exactly wired. If you needed to do a report at work, if you had a white collar job, your letter had better be accurate the first time - as it needed to be redone if horrid (by your secretary), or have ugly blotches of white-out on it. And forget about mass-production of material at home. If you got home late for dinner, of if you were single - you ate it cold. Indeed, the amount of home appliances was much less, and life was not so easy.
On the plus side, most people had electric can openers, which few people have today (instead, we use manual can openers).
And, I haven't even mentioned all those cultural changes.
And there are much, much more different. As you can see, there has been a tremendous change in our lifestyles over the past 30 years. The Soviet Union is gone, the international threat started in Iran. We have computers, word processing, cell phones, internet, email, blogs, cable tv, mp3's, cd's, ipods, laptops, more labor saving kitchen devices (microwaves, quisinarts, roaster ovens, rice steamers, George Foreman grilles, and whatever other newfangled devices you find today at BedBath&Beyond). The VCR did get cheap enough for everyone to buy - but it is now obsolete. The cultural revolution of the 1960's has come to nearly everyone. As a result of all this, lifestyles today are very different than those of 30 years ago. Indeed, the lifestyles of today are more different from me and an adult who lived in 1979 than an adult who lived in 1979 and an adult who lived in 1925 (the only significant difference being television).
Indeed, even those who chose to ignore all those technological changes (and denounce the cultural changes) are still affected by them. Like my grandmother. Not only has she been widowed for almost 30 years, she has entered a whole new era without a spouse.
Indeed, the last time the big changes happened was between my grandfather's birth and her birth. And those may have been significant enough changes to affect longevitity for those who live longer. What do I mean? Well, there were significant changes in health standards during the early decades of the 20th century where people became more healthy the later they were born. For one thing, people had a better understanding of nutrition. For another thing, people got some more innoculations. Those incremental differences may have strengthened certain parts of the body, making them, essentially, last longer. Thus, people last longer. And this is even if a person does not seek medical attention until age 70. Indeed, an average person born in 1913 might not have any need to see a doctor until age 70, while an average person born in 1903 may have significant health problems by age 70, and they might have a better chance of death even with every single medical option available to them.
And I forgot to mention, that, my grandmother was a nurse. And a health nut (what would have constituted one for her time, in any case). So she knew what to do to make herself healthy.
So lets do some math. American custom permits a man to marry a woman ten years his junior (but not vise-versa). So she has ten years automatically to live without him. And then there is life expectancy. Women outlive men by ten years. So that is another ten years.
Then, there are the medical advances. First, those medical/health advances that not only prolong life, but may make a person who is widowed 20 years less susceptible to life-threatening illnesses. And 20 years is a long time. That allows for lots of medical advances to be made. So they get an even longer lease on life.
Thus, there is nothing unusual when a woman outlives her spouse by a quarter century. And much of her life is spent without him. Which is tragic, given that we are supposed to spend most of our post-wedding life with our spouses. Even more tragic when she has to adapt to all those changes without him. So life becomes harder for her in this manner.
Instead, hubby gets stuck in a graveyard for a long time without wifey. And my grandmother got a plot between both her husbands! Think about that - they have to spend three decades putting up with one another. They probably are really pissed at her by now. Indeed, my dim-witted first grandfather, the one who was supposed to go to Wazzu, has spent almost as long in death with my grandmother's second husband as he spent living (27 years vs 33 years, respectively).
Now, there is a differences in marriage ages, partly due to the fact that women mature at earlier ages than men. Which may explain their longer life spans (they are less likely to do stupid, unhealthy things at 21 than their male peers). But clearly, society needs to change the custom that it is acceptible for older men to marry much younger women. It not only leaves for long widowhoods, it also may cost society more financially.
Now, I kinda do wish that my paternal grandfather did live somewhat longer - like five years, when I would have been old enough to do "manly" stuff with him. After all, we both are NRA members - my dad was never 0ne - which explains very different reasons why we joined. He joined because he like to hunt dangerous furry mammals, when the need arose (this was before the threat of gun control). I joined because I want to make sure I have the right to hunt not-so-hairy dangerous mammals, known as tyrannical government officials, should the need arise. But I disgress, yet again. Indeed, I still have his favorite chair, and choose to get it reupholstered after my cats destroyed it, because, well, it's his. But that is outside the thread of this post, and shall be noted at a later time.